Women's Empowerment Speech

 I recently had the honor and pleasure of serving as the keynote speaker at Ohio Wesleyan's Women's Empowerment Day Keynote speaker. A few friends, clients, and colleagues have requested access to the speech, which is included below. I am grateful for the camaraderie, support, and opportunities for growth that you each provide.

Sophie Heawood, a Journalist in the UK, said 

“The older I get, the more I see how women are described as having gone mad, when what they have actually become is knowledgeable and powerful and fucking furious” 

I am so tired of hearing women described as crazy, bossy, or controlling, whenever we act in ways that are perhaps uncomfortable or inconvenient for others, while also being logically in line and perfectly justified. Working primarily with young people, one tired trope that I am frequently exposed to hearing is that of the crazy ex-girlfriend. Perhaps you, like me, have been called a crazy ex-girlfriend. It’s unfortunately not a very exclusive club. I’ve heard or seen women be referred to as crazy by former partners for many reasons, including:

Being angry when lied to, remaining calm during a conflict, yelling during a conflict, prioritizing career over a new relationship, working out daily and risking becoming “too bulky”, eating a salad instead of pizza, eating pizza instead of a salad, and wanting to talk about their feelings with their partner. In other words, we are crazy for simply existing and engaging with the world in the ways that we see fit. 

Hearing men call women crazy has always made me angry and deeply uncomfortable, but lately it’s also become very boring. For one, it’s obviously insulting, but more than that, it is lackluster, lazy, and altogether uninspired. To me, it feels like a cowardly and shallow way of expressing a deeper feeling. What I feel many men actually mean when they call the women in their lives crazy, is that they are experiencing inconvenience and discomfort that this particular woman has stepped outside of the role the man has assigned her to in his own conception of womanhood. When men have expressed anger, frustration, or annoyance with me when I have been moving through the world, I now often hear their criticism as feedback that I’ve stopped fitting their definition of how a woman should behave, speak, and exist. There’s science that backs this up as well. 

Princeton Psychologist Dr. Susan Fiske studies perception, and found in her research that there is a cognitive component to why men often call women crazy. Dr. Fiske asserts that men are socialized to view women as a tool whose purpose is to do something for them, not truly as an equal, sharing in the complex experiences of humanity as they do. We see this in the common argument against sexual assaults that attempts to humanize already human women by stating that “she is someone’s wife, daughter, or mother”. It apparently isn’t enough that “she” is already someone, we have to consider the–assumed male--someone she “belongs” to in order to find inherent value in her or experience empathy for her. 

Dr. Fiske also finds that when men view a sexualized photo of a woman, the anterior insular cortex, the part of our brain that manages empathy, essentially shuts down. The lack of empathy that so many of us experience can be traced to the way that society defines womanhood as being hyper-sexualized or rooted in pious purity. This is sometimes discussed as the Freudian concept of the “Madonna-Whore Complex”. As a teenager, I thought this referred to the singer Madonna being both “Like a Virgin” and also a sex symbol. It doesn’t explicitly correspond with the artist Madonna, but describes the two roles that are often seen as socially appropriate for 

women: pure and maternal, or a sexual heathen available for male consumption. Never both. 

From Dr. Fiske’s research, we glean that when men view a woman in terms of her sexual utility, empathy leaves the building. This further complicates the experience of womanhood today. We are told to embrace our sexuality and love our bodies, but in doing this are held responsible for the lack of empathy we may receive from men if they choose to view us as a sexual object. 

This double-edged sword is present in many of the contradictory standards that we hold for women. We are supposed to be everything and nothing, trailblazers and obedient followers, love our bodies but not be conceited, be intelligent but not so much that it challenges the male ego, speak out but don’t be annoying, be an original and don’t be so unique that it makes other people uncomfortable, work hard but don’t think you deserve recognition or credit for any of your achievements, be confident but stay humble and always be grateful because it could be worse. This list could go on forever.

Everytime I bear witness to the crushing pressure of these standards I am internally torn. Part of me aches to wrap you in a cozy handmade blanket, give you a cup of tea, and remind you that those standards were created by wealthy white men to profit off of all your insecurities. This part of me wants to shield you from the harsh reality, cloaking you in tenderness and the gentle type of love that allows us to be soft, vulnerable, and authentic. The other part of me sees red with an equally strong desire to burn this flawed patriarchal and capitalist society to the ground in order to make room for something new and beautiful to rise from the ashes. Since I am not an arsonist, for now, I’ll stick with making my little corner of the world as wide and welcoming as possible and making sure that any table at which I sit has room for you. 

These flimsy definitions of womanhood with ironclad double standards can’t even begin to encompass the power that you hold within yourself. You matter because of who you are, not because of the things you create, the achievements you earn, or the accolades you receive. You are inherently valued because you exist, not because of your relationships to other people, social standing in systems, or belonging to groups. Your value and worth don’t change if you get an A on a test or an F on a test. Finals are coming up so hear me when I say, your value does not fluctuate based on external appraisals. 

The next time you are made to feel like you are too much or not enough, I invite you to take the challenge to meet yourself with love and acceptance in that moment. To place hands on your heart and belly, feel your breath nourishing your body and allow your heartbeat to bring a steadiness to times of chaos. I encourage you to take this invitation to recognize the many versions of you that have existed and will exist in this lifetime, and acknowledge that each version of you is valuable and whole, exactly as you are. Those who view you as too much, can go find less. It is not your responsibility to water yourself down until you are palatable to the masses.

To close today, I’d like to share a poem with you from writer Emory Hall. It is titled “I have been a thousand different women”.

“Make peace with all the women you once were.

Lay flowers at their feet.

Offer them incense

And honey 

And forgiveness.

Honor them and give them your silence.

Listen. 

Bless them

And let them be.

For they are the bones of the temple you sit in now.

For they are the rivers of wisdom leading you toward the sea.”